Is Your Message Being Heard?

You have the talent, you have accomplished great things or even are an expert in your field; however, do you know how to catch someone’s attention so they want to know more?  Just as companies spend lots of resources to make sure people get interested in them, are you sending out the right message so if people want to ask you a few questions, you will be able to tell them about yourself in a way that will make you stand out?

 Messaging is both an art and a skill.  Many people do not understand the power of being able to be clear and concise with the ability to resonate with another person; however they know when they encounter it with others.  Could you improve your situation if you could engage others and have a dynamic conversation?  You bet you could!

 Here are four tips for effective personal messaging:

1. Be interested in the other person.  Learn about them through the practice of asking questions that are revealing, yet not intrusive.
2. When asked about yourself, have a catchy 3 to 4 second response that will make the other person want to know more.
3. Remember, you are in a conversation not a monologue.
4. To connect with others you need to reach that person at an emotional level.

 It is important to never lose sight of the fact that effective messaging touches people’s emotions.

 

Why?

“Why” is one of the most important words in any language; for without it there would not be much discovery.  Whenever you hear someone reporting a story, talking about someone else or giving you advice, you may just want to stop and think by asking yourself “why this story, why these comments and why this advice?”  I do not know about you; however if, at times in my life, I had asked myself “why” rather than taking the information at face value, I would have saved myself time, money and aggravation.  I am a big “why” person today.  I use it when I teach to explore and uncover motives or to find an answer as to why someone is thinking a certain way.  I use it in business for problem solving and improving performance.  I use it in my personal life to build stronger relationships.

 If you are not asking yourself “why” more often, I need to ask you why not?

 

What is a Mentor?

The function of Mentoring – to enable and inspire, serving as a trusted teacher – proves a key leadership skill no matter how many people you Mentor. As a Mentor you provide a proactive approach that features regularly scheduled meetings that assist the Mentee in setting and accomplishing goals. Your responsibility is to communicate expectations and provide feedback that supports the Mentee’s development.

As a Mentor you are a:

Teacher – you enable through development of knowledge and skills while also providing the necessary tools to effectively perform on the job. One skill of an effective leader is to teach—to develop another through Mentoring.

Guide – you guide your Mentee through awareness and then challenges to get “better” on the job and enhancing skills to perform at a higher performance level.

Motivator – you inspire through intrinsic and extrinsic rewards to accomplish the expected results for each organizational initiative.

Role Model – you demonstrate and then provide opportunities to practice with a developmental focus on your Mentee.

The role of Mentors has always been around; however, until recently, only a few highly potential individuals were assigned a Mentor. Before the 1980s people with high potential were mentored by senior members within the organization. The rapid movement within and out of organizations has left a gap in businesses and organizational bench strength. One way to assure continuity within an organization is to follow the military model of making sure that individuals of lower rank can assume the position of people of higher rank.

Whether you are working to enhance your professional status or working on individual pursuits, finding a Mentor in your field of endeavor will enhance your opportunities, as well as shorten the time required to reach your goals.

 

Don’t Like the Question? Don’t Answer It!

Have you noticed how politicians and business leaders avoid many of the questions posed to them? In the current issue of Psychology Today (October 2009) there is an interesting article on “Dodged a Question” by Matthew Hutson. The article illustrates how if someone is prepared for questions and can answer indirectly but smoothly, the question that was asked could be forgotten and the speaker moves on, talking about what s/he wants to speak about. In fact, the speaker who comes across confidently and smoothly but does not answer the question will be perceived more favorably than the person who answers the question but has verbal pauses that interfere with their communication effort. The article offers several tips on how to avoid a question. They are:

• prepare
• restate, rephrase
• go abstract
• turn away
• don’t be boring

And what does this show us? If you practice the art of communication, which most of us do not; you can control a conversation or an interview. Now that’s power of communication.

 

Why Ask Questions?

Asking questions is a powerful communication tool that is woefully underutilized in our society today. All too often individuals talk too much and do not listen enough. Questioning is a way of enhancing our interpersonal communication skills. Twelve benefits of the power of inquiry are:

• obtains and clarifies information
• shows the other person you’re interested
• provokes thought
• provides control in many situations
• promotes the power of persuasion
• improves your critical thinking
• helps you listen better
• validates the other person
• identifies issues
• stops premature conclusions
• uncovers omitted information
• finds fallacies in other arguments

Being an effective questioner is important in our personal lives as well as our career development. Most successful leaders are extremely good questioners. They have the ability to get the information they need to make the best decisions.

The art and science of being an effective questioner takes a solid understanding of the techniques of asking not only the right questions, but asking questions in a way that people will obtain candid answers.  Two very good books on the art and science of questioning are:

• Asking the Right Questions: A Guide to Critical Thinking, Seventh edition by M. Neil Browne and Stuart M. Keeley
• Smart Questions: The Essential Strategy for Successful Managers, by Dorothy Leeds

To improve your relationships and thinking skills, you need to study and practice the art of inquiry.

 

It’s Not What You Say, It’s What You Do

“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

So often people are disappointed in others, complaining about their betrayal, deceit and duplicity; however, had they opened their eyes and observed the person and what was being inferred, the intention would have become very clear, very quickly.

Over the years I have learned that people know what to say – backing up what they say with matching behavior is a totally different story.  We are often encouraged to tell the people we love that we love them.  Like you, I like to hear I’m loved.  Yet when the words are said without a demonstration of love, I get suspicious.  I rarely tell certain people in my life that I love them; I show them instead.  When the grass has to be cut or the house needs repair or painting, I show up to do what needs to be done and, if necessary, come back to finish the job.  If my wife wakes up at 3:00 AM and asks for a drink of water, I’m glad to get it.  If a friend needs my time, I am there.  I think the world would be a much better place if we stopped saying the right words and started doing the right actions instead.

 

Working With Customer Service

As the customer, you can create a great customer service experience.  I’m dedicated to doing this every time I can and have actually just hung up the phone after another winning experience.  When I tell my friends about my success they ask me how I do it.  They are after my secret, so here it is.  First let’s be clear most corporations do not set up customer service for your benefit; they set it up for their benefit.  It’s important to keep this in mind as you cross into the domain of the customer service representative (CSR).  There are two simple steps to my secret:

1. When you engage a CSR, you must be in complete control of your emotions.  Expressing your anger with a customer service representative will get you nowhere.
2. Know what you want before you call. This is the underpinning to getting satisfaction.

Over the years, using these simple techniques, I have recovered hundreds of  dollars and obtained services and products I needed based on terms that were advantageous to me.  My motto in the world of customer service is “nothing ventured, nothing gained”.

Below is an example of how this might work for you.   Recently I had a cable modem installed.  The installation went fine; however, a week later when the cable was finally buried I found myself without service to two of the phone lines at my home.  Since I do business from home, this posed a real problem for me.  I called the repair service to report the problem, and I was informed the repair work would be completed within six days.  Since this would present a real difficulty for me, I decided to call the company’s customer service center.  I explained my difficulty to their representative who told me that because of their extensive workload they could not guarantee anyone coming out earlier than six days.  Well, as you can imagine, this was a major inconvenience.  I called because I needed service as soon as possible.  My approach with the CSR was to engage the representative in a respectful, calm manner.  Ultimately I reviewed my request with the CSR three times.  After the third attempt, when there was no movement to assist me and resolve the problem, I asked to speak to a supervisor, thanking the rep for her initial service but informing her that I had to move further up the line.  When advised that there were no supervisors available, I informed the rep that I knew there was a hierarchy in place and that I would like to speak to someone in authority.  At that time, the customer service representative asked me why I wanted to do that.  I calmly explained that waiting six days for service was out of the question, and that I was escalating my difficulty to get some sort of priority placed on the repair.  She then informed me that she was indeed putting a priority on my request for which I thanked her sincerely.  She indicated that I should expect a call from repair to give me an approximate time for the work to be done.  I thanked her, hung up the phone and put a reminder to myself to follow up in six hours.  Within three hours I received a call from repair telling me that my problem would be handled by the end of the day.

My initial goal was to move the repair from six days to no more than 2 days and, hopefully, one day.  Because I kept on talking and encouraging the service representative, I literally got it done in a day.  My experience tells me that if I was rude, or hostile, I would not have received the service that I did.  The reason is simple – the CSR was going to go by their standard operating procedure.  They did not have to escalate my problem.  However, by treating the CSR with respect and patience, and constantly moving the issue forward, I improved the service I received.

You want better customer service, then remember civility, being pleasant and knowing what you really want (within reason) to get greater rewards and fantastic customer service.

 

It Starts with a Belief

Your communication message starts with your beliefs; however, the way you communicate can determine your life’s outcome.  This is one of the best summations I have ever come across.

• Your beliefs become your thoughts
• Your thoughts become your words
• Your words become your actions
• Your actions become your habits
• Your habits become your values
• Your values become your destiny

Mohandas Gandhi

 

Communicating Through Silence

Have you ever considered the sheer power silence has in our communications?  Think of the great communicators and storytellers to get a glimpse of the affect silence has on communication.  They use the pause to allow for comprehension or reflection.  Silence can also be unsettling, and in some situations silence is “deafening.”

V. Jensen (“Communicative Functions of Silence.” ETC Journal., 30, 249-257, 1973) discusses five functions of silence and assigns a positive and a negative value to each of them.  The functions she proposes are:

1. A linkage function: Silence may bond two (or more) people or it may separate them.  Two people sitting just enjoying the company of the other versus an emotion backed silence filled with anger and frustration where you can feel the tension in the room.
2. An affecting function: Silence may heal (over time) or wound.  Sometimes we need someone to be there without words, just to let a hurt heal, versus  seeking words of understanding and comfort when none are forthcoming.
3. A revelation function: Silence may make something known to a person (self-exploration) or it may hide information. When in conversation a question may cause someone to pause because they are giving their response serious thought or it may be an indication that someone is unwilling to reveal what they are thinking or feeling.
4. A judgmental function: Silence may signal assent and favor or it may signal dissent and disfavor.  Remember as a child asking your parents for permission to do something and their silence gave you either guarded permission or an explict denial for that request?
5. An activating function: Silence may signal deep thoughtfulness (work) or it may signal mental inactivity.  You can see individuals in deep contemplation while focused on a task – they may not even know you are there, versus someone who is completely disengaged either in a day-dreaming or clueless state.

Silence doesn’t get the attention it deserves.  It is a powerful form of communication which we often use without thought.  With a better understanding of its significance we can become better 1) communicators and 2) readers of a person’s emotional state including, their intentions and how engaged they are.

Carpe diem,
James R. Dawson
Managing Partner, ADI Performance
adiperformance.com

 

Surviving a Difference of Opinion

Most people shy away from talking about differences of opinion.  They do this because they’re worried about the conflict that it may generate.  This avoidance reduces good conversation and the ability to be exposed to a different point of view.  A difference of opinion is no more than two individuals looking at the world based on the values they have been taught, life experience they have encountered and their interpretation of information they have been exposed too.

If you desire to have more rewarding conversations, demonstrate your sincere interest in the people you’re talking with, show respect and make them feel comfortable so they can speak freely. Here are three steps to “Surviving a Difference of Opinion.”

1. Show tolerance.  Don’t let what other people say drive you emotionally.  When a stimulus hits, you still have an opportunity to be in control.  Take advantage of this opportunity. (See my last blog for more on this topic).  
2. Learn how to ask meaningful questions without putting the person on the defensive. Work on obtaining a clear understanding of where they are coming from.  If you learn the art of asking the right questions including how to ask the question, people will answer almost any question you ask.
3. Listen to what has heart and meaning.  To truly listen to another you must engage all of your assets – your ears, eyes and emotions, so you truly take in what the other person is saying. 

If you practice these three simple steps, you will be able to truly engage in conversations with people who have opinions that are different than yours like never before. 

Carpe diem,
James R. Dawson
Managing Partner, ADI Performance
adiperformance.com